On being truly happy for someone..

today, i found out that one of my best friends in the world has found his soul mate, the person he can cherish and love, the person he can share his all to.. i thought i would be envious of this, i thought that perhaps i would be somewhat jealous that this person has what i truly desire in the world.. but amazingly, all i felt was pure unadulterated happiness..

i was so happy for marius that i cant stop myself from smiling even though it seems so crazy, and feels so mushy.. but crap, always i have a yearning to see this guy happy. because he deserves the best in the world.. whoa.. re reading the lines that i wrote, i sound like a homo.. whoa to that.. but, homo or no homo.. on to the post..

i hope that they would stay forever like that.. i hope that they wont make crap out of what they have.. i hope that they would continue inspiring every person their lives would cross.. every inch of the reality we face are dependent on the experiences that we encounter, and so, i hope that they continue on loving each other as they would continue knowing themselves as their relationship blossoms..

its nice to know that a great guy like marius is happy.. it makes me realize that theres still hope for this world. hope that happiness can still be had, even though the realities of the world has snuffed most of the best it has to offer..

On Karin...

amidst all distractions..
and downright illusions..
she came..
always with words so thrilling..
so alluring..
fun, and exciting..
she keeps me up all night..
with all the imaginings i can think of..

she seems so perfect..
is it a dream?
an endless state of make believe?
i hope not..
i really hope not..
she's the only positive thing..
in the world..
no exaggerations..
just plain reality..

i would never want to see her go..
even though in essence,
i have never seen her..
always, i want to put a smile..
on that imaginary face..
always, i want to hear that imaginary laughter..
for every joke that i make..
always, i want to hear that voice,
so pure and seemingly unblemished,
by the hazards of life..

but, once again.. in reality i cannot..
those endless conversations..
the limited chitchats..
the art of delving into our own lives..
knowing and re-knowing one another..
sharing our own pasts, presents, and futures..

this satisfies me..
never again would i ask for more..
never again would i be dissatisfied..
for fear of losing her..
i am content..
i hope she is too..
for our own sakes..

The Kissing Disease

First Scene: You get out of your classroom excited to see your significant other. You see her waiting for you by the door. You smile and walk towards her. You share how boring the subject was as you walk through the corridor. She sees an empty table as you pass by the student lounge and decides to loiter a bit. You continue on talking. You laugh at her jokes and listen to her rant about her day. Unable to stop yourself, you move a little closer to her, poising for the kill. She smiles. She understands. You go for it. You kiss her.

Next scene: You wake up and feel a swelling in your throat. You don’t feel good. You walk towards your mirror. You see yourself not in good condition. You feel your muscles ache, all cranked up and fatigued from something you can’t remember on doing. You wash up. You feel you’re getting something, the flu or something close to it. You think it might be just the typical fever. Yet, there’s something very wrong about how you feel. You have no appetite. Your morning is all messed up. As you go to school, you remember you have a clinic. You decide to visit. Inside the clinic, the doctor examines you. When you comment that you feel your throat is sore, she takes a swab of cotton and checks your mouth with it. She analyzes it using hi-tech stuff you don’t even recognize. Then, she makes a series of blood tests. You wait for the verdict. She faces you and announces that you have Infectious Mononucleosis. Infectious Mononucleosis? What the heck is that?

Perhaps, you are wondering how the two scenes are connected. Perhaps, you are even wondering what this “Infectious Mononucleosis” is. Yes, what the heck is it.

Okay. Infectious Mononucleosis, “mono” for short, is an infection caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. One way to catch mono is by kissing someone who has been infected by such a virus, thus, the nickname, “kissing disease.” Other ways of getting the virus would be direct contact with saliva of someone who has been infected by it, such as the sharing of spoons and straws.

Mononucleosis is characterized by constant fatigue, sore throat, high fever, loss of appetite, swollen glands in your neck, headaches, and constantly being tired. These signs may be mistaken for that of the flu or sore throat. Thus, people often treat mono the way they treat flu or sore throat. This would not help, though, because there is no known cure for mononucleosis.

Doctors would advise bed rests, and to take in plenty of fluids to avoid dehydration. It might do well for you to skip sports and other activities to avoid sharing the virus and the symptoms you have would have tired you anyway.
Fortunately, in 3 to 4 weeks time the illness will go away by itself. But, once you have been infected by the virus, it will stay with you for life. Hopefully, you wouldn’t worry about getting the same symptoms all over again once you’ve shown it before.

To prevent this from ever happening to you or to avoid it from spreading if you already have it, you should observe proper hygiene. Don’t share your utensils with others even though sharing it would be romantic or, in a sick way, generous. And if you kiss, make sure to ask your partner if he or she has the Epstein-Barr virus. If you don’t care though, go on right ahead and do your thing.

Forever in this blackened heart, she’s always there...

Can you give me something better to do? Can you help me think of ways to distract me? It seems that every time I become idle, her face creeps into my thoughts, then his face follows, then everything becomes a depressing state of anxiety and bitterness. I could not help myself. I can’t get her out of my head. Always I have experienced fits of depression slowly inching towards my soul. Always I am filled with hatred. Hatred towards the closest things and people I have and know, my family, my friends. Hatred pointed towards the people I do not know. Most of all, hatred that is pointed towards myself, because of the feelings of failure and impotence.

I have died on that December night. The time bomb exploded that night. And all that’s left of me is a hollow something I can’t even cherish, I can’t love and I can’t be proud of. Since then, everything I do does not seem to have the convictions and the will that I have had in the past. I failed in so many things after that night. My education suffered. My relationship with my family suffered. My beliefs and principles suffered. My religion suffered. I suffered terribly not knowing where to go and not knowing what to do.

My pride won’t let me forget. And this same pride won’t let me be. I don’t need these things right now. But I can’t seem to focus on the things that I should do. My priorities are not set. And that just pisses me off. I am forgetting. I am not being what I should be. I know I’m better than this. I know that I can be better than this. But, everything does not seem right. I am pissed off. I can’t seem to over emphasize that fact. If only I have enough distractions but I have none. All I have is this pride that won’t let me be. And I can’t throw it away. I can’t because every inch of it clings into my being.

My pride reasons to my brain and heart. It tries to say that it is helping me. Yet, deep down inside I realize that I am changed. I am not the person I was. It has hardened my soul, and it has blackened my heart. I can’t make jokes anymore. No, let my rephrase that, I can’t laugh at my jokes anymore. When I do laugh at other people’s jokes, it lacks the conviction of a good laughter. It’s just laughter for the sake of people seeing me laugh and that’s just not right. I can’t be in a serious conversation because my mind wanders instantly into other things. I linger too much on memories, and I linger too much on those things that I know would never be. I keep hoping that something would happen. Yet, I know it would not because I have not done anything to trigger anything.

Amidst all these, I realize and know that I am at fault. If only I have become more satisfied with what I have. If only I stayed with my beliefs and principles. If only my love for this girl were that great, great enough to have accepted that we were bound only to friendship. But no, I asked for more. And now, I don’t know what we are. We are neither lovers nor friends. I don’t know what I feel for her now. Is it love or hate? Now, I really don’t know. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to start again.

Yet, one thing is certain. I will always hope for her happiness no matter what. I will not do something to spoil anything for her. I will always cherish the memories and everything else. This would be my act of unselfishness amidst vanity and pride. Like I have always said to her in the past, at least one of us is happy.

absent napud.. na naunsa..

ah kapuya na oi.. haha.. kana bitawng feeling nga gusto na nimo magtarung pero di jud nimo mabuhat kay kabalu ka nga ala nay pulos.. ala man guy point ni akung gina absentan nga klase ba.. ay ambot, tan.aw sa uban tao ani naay point.. pero ala gud toh.. boring pa jud ang teacher.. bai.. boring jud.. di na tama.. haha.. ug karun nga time, di man pud gud ko naga tuo sa mga gina tudlo ba.. mao pud siguro.. ala na koy faith.. faith nga faith ha.. dili kanang mga paatik.. ambot.. nwala lang kalit.. ay, di gud nimo maingon nga kalit.. pero uu, nawala siya..

so bale, usbon naku akong mga problema ha.. para lang gud ma emphasize.. haha.. usa.. boring kaayu ang theology nga klase.. ay uu, theo diay toh nga subject akung gina yawyaw ganina.. ikaduha.. ala na koy salig sa ginoo.. ay naa gud siguro.. pero gamay na lang jud kaayo, mura na lang ug kumingking.. naa pa diay.. di jud ni mawala.. ala ni sa first paragraph pero daku japon kaayo ni nga problema.. pogar, ang thesis.. yawa.. unsaun man naku ni pag maniobra.. hahay.. ala ko kabalu asa magsugod.. so unsaun pag human?? isipa daw ang logic ana.. gusto nimo mahuman ang isa ka butang.. pero ala ka kabalu asa magsugod.. isipa ra gud.. unya kung maisipan na nimo.. tawaga dayun ko.. o di kaya i comment.. kay basahun naku..

bai.. gusto naku muundang.. undang sa ta.. maski kadali lang gud.. isa ka tuig.. pogar.. sayun kaau i imagine ba.. kung kabalu lang mo kung unsa ka often naku ni gina imagine.. naa na gani koy mga plano kung unsa akung mga himuonon kung di na ko muskwila.. naa na koy schedule.. ug di pa jud ng mga alay pulos nga butang parehas anang dota.. naa jud koy plano jud.. siguro kung i explain naku na ug tarung sa akung ginikanan akung plano noh masabtan SIGURO nila.. emphasis sa SIGURO kay siguro lang jud na.. masabtan lagi nila, after ko nila bukbukon, palayasun, di pakaunon ug ipapaak sa mga iro akung mga bukog (OUCH).. hahaha.. ambot.. senseless thoughts.. lol.. pero bitaw.. lingaw lang i imagine kay mas sayun ang life nga ing.ato.. ay dili siguro mas sayun, pero mas dili lisud.. hahaha.. gets man siguro ninyo noh.. ah ka crappy sa akung kinabuhi karun oi..

kay nganu nag absent.. da naka blog lagi.. pero lingaw man.. dapat naay makabasa ani.. para naay mag comment (ay alangan..).. hahaha.. choi.. pase sa ko..

free flow...

systematic annihilation of the things that ensure your existence..
will you feel compelled to go with the flow..
to look at that destruction of everything you hold dear?
revolt..
do not be wary, do not hold your life on strings that are too brittle that one move of your wrist would break away the things you call life..
be strong..
once you get the hang of being..
you'll get the hang of living..
live..
and be merry..
enjoy your purpose as well as find it you'll get what you want in time..
if you accept it all, the eclipse of your life will end..
and no such annihilation and destruction will affect the character you want to become..
believe..
and live..
so you can love..
and die, satisfied..