Can you give me something better to do? Can you help me think of ways to distract me? It seems that every time I become idle, her face creeps into my thoughts, then his face follows, then everything becomes a depressing state of anxiety and bitterness. I could not help myself. I can’t get her out of my head. Always I have experienced fits of depression slowly inching towards my soul. Always I am filled with hatred. Hatred towards the closest things and people I have and know, my family, my friends. Hatred pointed towards the people I do not know. Most of all, hatred that is pointed towards myself, because of the feelings of failure and impotence.
I have died on that December night. The time bomb exploded that night. And all that’s left of me is a hollow something I can’t even cherish, I can’t love and I can’t be proud of. Since then, everything I do does not seem to have the convictions and the will that I have had in the past. I failed in so many things after that night. My education suffered. My relationship with my family suffered. My beliefs and principles suffered. My religion suffered. I suffered terribly not knowing where to go and not knowing what to do.
My pride won’t let me forget. And this same pride won’t let me be. I don’t need these things right now. But I can’t seem to focus on the things that I should do. My priorities are not set. And that just pisses me off. I am forgetting. I am not being what I should be. I know I’m better than this. I know that I can be better than this. But, everything does not seem right. I am pissed off. I can’t seem to over emphasize that fact. If only I have enough distractions but I have none. All I have is this pride that won’t let me be. And I can’t throw it away. I can’t because every inch of it clings into my being.
My pride reasons to my brain and heart. It tries to say that it is helping me. Yet, deep down inside I realize that I am changed. I am not the person I was. It has hardened my soul, and it has blackened my heart. I can’t make jokes anymore. No, let my rephrase that, I can’t laugh at my jokes anymore. When I do laugh at other people’s jokes, it lacks the conviction of a good laughter. It’s just laughter for the sake of people seeing me laugh and that’s just not right. I can’t be in a serious conversation because my mind wanders instantly into other things. I linger too much on memories, and I linger too much on those things that I know would never be. I keep hoping that something would happen. Yet, I know it would not because I have not done anything to trigger anything.
Amidst all these, I realize and know that I am at fault. If only I have become more satisfied with what I have. If only I stayed with my beliefs and principles. If only my love for this girl were that great, great enough to have accepted that we were bound only to friendship. But no, I asked for more. And now, I don’t know what we are. We are neither lovers nor friends. I don’t know what I feel for her now. Is it love or hate? Now, I really don’t know. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to start again.
Yet, one thing is certain. I will always hope for her happiness no matter what. I will not do something to spoil anything for her. I will always cherish the memories and everything else. This would be my act of unselfishness amidst vanity and pride. Like I have always said to her in the past, at least one of us is happy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment