The Kissing Disease

First Scene: You get out of your classroom excited to see your significant other. You see her waiting for you by the door. You smile and walk towards her. You share how boring the subject was as you walk through the corridor. She sees an empty table as you pass by the student lounge and decides to loiter a bit. You continue on talking. You laugh at her jokes and listen to her rant about her day. Unable to stop yourself, you move a little closer to her, poising for the kill. She smiles. She understands. You go for it. You kiss her.

Next scene: You wake up and feel a swelling in your throat. You don’t feel good. You walk towards your mirror. You see yourself not in good condition. You feel your muscles ache, all cranked up and fatigued from something you can’t remember on doing. You wash up. You feel you’re getting something, the flu or something close to it. You think it might be just the typical fever. Yet, there’s something very wrong about how you feel. You have no appetite. Your morning is all messed up. As you go to school, you remember you have a clinic. You decide to visit. Inside the clinic, the doctor examines you. When you comment that you feel your throat is sore, she takes a swab of cotton and checks your mouth with it. She analyzes it using hi-tech stuff you don’t even recognize. Then, she makes a series of blood tests. You wait for the verdict. She faces you and announces that you have Infectious Mononucleosis. Infectious Mononucleosis? What the heck is that?

Perhaps, you are wondering how the two scenes are connected. Perhaps, you are even wondering what this “Infectious Mononucleosis” is. Yes, what the heck is it.

Okay. Infectious Mononucleosis, “mono” for short, is an infection caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. One way to catch mono is by kissing someone who has been infected by such a virus, thus, the nickname, “kissing disease.” Other ways of getting the virus would be direct contact with saliva of someone who has been infected by it, such as the sharing of spoons and straws.

Mononucleosis is characterized by constant fatigue, sore throat, high fever, loss of appetite, swollen glands in your neck, headaches, and constantly being tired. These signs may be mistaken for that of the flu or sore throat. Thus, people often treat mono the way they treat flu or sore throat. This would not help, though, because there is no known cure for mononucleosis.

Doctors would advise bed rests, and to take in plenty of fluids to avoid dehydration. It might do well for you to skip sports and other activities to avoid sharing the virus and the symptoms you have would have tired you anyway.
Fortunately, in 3 to 4 weeks time the illness will go away by itself. But, once you have been infected by the virus, it will stay with you for life. Hopefully, you wouldn’t worry about getting the same symptoms all over again once you’ve shown it before.

To prevent this from ever happening to you or to avoid it from spreading if you already have it, you should observe proper hygiene. Don’t share your utensils with others even though sharing it would be romantic or, in a sick way, generous. And if you kiss, make sure to ask your partner if he or she has the Epstein-Barr virus. If you don’t care though, go on right ahead and do your thing.

Forever in this blackened heart, she’s always there...

Can you give me something better to do? Can you help me think of ways to distract me? It seems that every time I become idle, her face creeps into my thoughts, then his face follows, then everything becomes a depressing state of anxiety and bitterness. I could not help myself. I can’t get her out of my head. Always I have experienced fits of depression slowly inching towards my soul. Always I am filled with hatred. Hatred towards the closest things and people I have and know, my family, my friends. Hatred pointed towards the people I do not know. Most of all, hatred that is pointed towards myself, because of the feelings of failure and impotence.

I have died on that December night. The time bomb exploded that night. And all that’s left of me is a hollow something I can’t even cherish, I can’t love and I can’t be proud of. Since then, everything I do does not seem to have the convictions and the will that I have had in the past. I failed in so many things after that night. My education suffered. My relationship with my family suffered. My beliefs and principles suffered. My religion suffered. I suffered terribly not knowing where to go and not knowing what to do.

My pride won’t let me forget. And this same pride won’t let me be. I don’t need these things right now. But I can’t seem to focus on the things that I should do. My priorities are not set. And that just pisses me off. I am forgetting. I am not being what I should be. I know I’m better than this. I know that I can be better than this. But, everything does not seem right. I am pissed off. I can’t seem to over emphasize that fact. If only I have enough distractions but I have none. All I have is this pride that won’t let me be. And I can’t throw it away. I can’t because every inch of it clings into my being.

My pride reasons to my brain and heart. It tries to say that it is helping me. Yet, deep down inside I realize that I am changed. I am not the person I was. It has hardened my soul, and it has blackened my heart. I can’t make jokes anymore. No, let my rephrase that, I can’t laugh at my jokes anymore. When I do laugh at other people’s jokes, it lacks the conviction of a good laughter. It’s just laughter for the sake of people seeing me laugh and that’s just not right. I can’t be in a serious conversation because my mind wanders instantly into other things. I linger too much on memories, and I linger too much on those things that I know would never be. I keep hoping that something would happen. Yet, I know it would not because I have not done anything to trigger anything.

Amidst all these, I realize and know that I am at fault. If only I have become more satisfied with what I have. If only I stayed with my beliefs and principles. If only my love for this girl were that great, great enough to have accepted that we were bound only to friendship. But no, I asked for more. And now, I don’t know what we are. We are neither lovers nor friends. I don’t know what I feel for her now. Is it love or hate? Now, I really don’t know. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to start again.

Yet, one thing is certain. I will always hope for her happiness no matter what. I will not do something to spoil anything for her. I will always cherish the memories and everything else. This would be my act of unselfishness amidst vanity and pride. Like I have always said to her in the past, at least one of us is happy.