Last Letter

im spent. pretty weird trying to conversate through a blog. but, i know i have to do this. im spent. im at my end. i know ive done too many stupid things in the past. but, this time ive outdone myself. i flattered myself too much, thought too highly of myself. but now, i really do get it. now i know that all you can really think of me is as a friend. and by now, its already fine. ive grown numb to that fact.

but, i cant stand to be this way anymore. i need to walk away. because today ive broken my already broken self because of thinking too highly. thinking i was that person. and i cant afford to feel this way. not in this part of my life. im now officially walking away. dont get me wrong. im not blaming you for anything because it was i who made the mistake. you were never to blame for all of this. youve always asked for friendship, and ive always asked for more. that was my mistake.

now, i want to ask you a favor. please help me in this ok? help me walk away. and the only way you can help me is not to contact me anymore. i know you can try that. its just a little thing. i dont want any text messages from now on. even those silly little quotes you always do send. because every time i read your name in my phone, it makes me think of some things that i hope would happen but never will. it makes me hope. it makes me think too highly of myself. and thats whats allowing all this to happen. no, once again im not blaming you for anything. because a friend has the right to contact another friend, right? but, please, help me get rid of that temptation, to hope, to think too highly. its easy. i know it is.

but theres one thing i would like you to remember though. that i would always care for you. id always cherish those memories even though the value that each of us give to those memories are a bit different. i really do am hoping that we will live a happy life. one that both of us can be satisfied of. but in order for us to do that we must really do live our lives. i know that youre already doing that in your own way. and i would also start from now on. i hope everything in your life will turn out for the best. i sincerely do hope for that. and i also hope the same goes for my life as well.

im officialy walking away. end of this blog site. :)

A Long Time Coming

Whoa. Blogging again after a very long time. Its been a year and nothing much has happened. Finally, I graduated last October. We finished our thesis and passed the defense. Experienced Christmas without thinking of any academic things. Learned to drive. Got a driver's license. Got a car. Went to Manila to find work. Failed in the attempt. Met with some long lost family members in Manila. Experienced some fun and wicked stuff there. All in all, it was fun and had a blast. Now, here in Davao. Feeling like a bum because I am a bum. Trying to find work here but no sense of purpose just yet. Need to feel pressured but feeling just specks of it not the full thing. Got the nagging feeling that I will turn out to be a nobody.

Feeling that my mind has become mush. Forgot some programming concepts. Wanting to learn again because I really do love programming. I'm made for it even though no company's biting just yet. Thinking of doing other things for the mean time. Like writing or business. Got a programming project but I still don't have the guts to tackle it. Maybe that's just the problem. Having no guts. I need to become more aggressive about all this. If I need to make a name for myself I need to make something out of this nothing I'm having right now. But, once again I'm thinking that my mind has melted. I'm always thinking of the wrong things. I don't seem to get into the mood about anything. I'm always pushing things for tomorrow even though I know that I can do those stuff today. It's one big cliche rolled into one. I'm stuck and I know it and I'm not swimming away. I'm not moving. Everyone's moving past me. And I'm not caring.

Need to get my act straight. My life is in slow mo right now. Even though its moving way too fast. I need to get out of this hell hole and I need to act now.

On hurting...

What hurts most is to stay close to the person you desire most even if you know that that person does not feel the same for you. You feel each moment and every minute you stay with that person is cherished in your memories. Every smile on that person’s face is captured in a snap shot and is stored in the memory banks of your brain. But, still you know that you can never have her. She will forever be someone whom you can not totally grasp, you can not own, you can not have. And each day you still hope. You still believe that that time will come when she will be yours, even though that day will never come to pass. You manage to survive each day, because of the existence of that hope. And you smile, and you laugh, and you walk and talk as if nothing in the world can break you. Deep inside you are broken. You are bent and you can’t stand straight because you’ve eaten your pride and this same pride is reduced into halves because of the things you do for the person. And the worse thing is that she does not know you feel this. She only knows that the feeling is there. But, she does not know the extent of the sacrifice you do. She does not know the extent of your hurt as you hear others tease her to people she likes. You can’t help wondering what she feels for these persons. And you become bitter. It’s like staying close to burning wood, too close that you can feel your skin scorching and burning but you stay anyway because you are enthralled with the beauty of the fire. And you are broken. It can not be repaired. Your only solace is when she gives you that time you so need. When she jokes with you even though those jokes are pointed towards you, you accept because you hunger for the time. You hunger for the moments, the moments wherein you can cherish, you can remember. You can hope that time never moves on, hope that you can catch time sleeping while it runs its never ending marathon of forever. But, one way or the other the moment ends. And you continue. You move on because she will never be yours. And this is what hurts most.

On being truly happy for someone..

today, i found out that one of my best friends in the world has found his soul mate, the person he can cherish and love, the person he can share his all to.. i thought i would be envious of this, i thought that perhaps i would be somewhat jealous that this person has what i truly desire in the world.. but amazingly, all i felt was pure unadulterated happiness..

i was so happy for marius that i cant stop myself from smiling even though it seems so crazy, and feels so mushy.. but crap, always i have a yearning to see this guy happy. because he deserves the best in the world.. whoa.. re reading the lines that i wrote, i sound like a homo.. whoa to that.. but, homo or no homo.. on to the post..

i hope that they would stay forever like that.. i hope that they wont make crap out of what they have.. i hope that they would continue inspiring every person their lives would cross.. every inch of the reality we face are dependent on the experiences that we encounter, and so, i hope that they continue on loving each other as they would continue knowing themselves as their relationship blossoms..

its nice to know that a great guy like marius is happy.. it makes me realize that theres still hope for this world. hope that happiness can still be had, even though the realities of the world has snuffed most of the best it has to offer..

On Karin...

amidst all distractions..
and downright illusions..
she came..
always with words so thrilling..
so alluring..
fun, and exciting..
she keeps me up all night..
with all the imaginings i can think of..

she seems so perfect..
is it a dream?
an endless state of make believe?
i hope not..
i really hope not..
she's the only positive thing..
in the world..
no exaggerations..
just plain reality..

i would never want to see her go..
even though in essence,
i have never seen her..
always, i want to put a smile..
on that imaginary face..
always, i want to hear that imaginary laughter..
for every joke that i make..
always, i want to hear that voice,
so pure and seemingly unblemished,
by the hazards of life..

but, once again.. in reality i cannot..
those endless conversations..
the limited chitchats..
the art of delving into our own lives..
knowing and re-knowing one another..
sharing our own pasts, presents, and futures..

this satisfies me..
never again would i ask for more..
never again would i be dissatisfied..
for fear of losing her..
i am content..
i hope she is too..
for our own sakes..

The Kissing Disease

First Scene: You get out of your classroom excited to see your significant other. You see her waiting for you by the door. You smile and walk towards her. You share how boring the subject was as you walk through the corridor. She sees an empty table as you pass by the student lounge and decides to loiter a bit. You continue on talking. You laugh at her jokes and listen to her rant about her day. Unable to stop yourself, you move a little closer to her, poising for the kill. She smiles. She understands. You go for it. You kiss her.

Next scene: You wake up and feel a swelling in your throat. You don’t feel good. You walk towards your mirror. You see yourself not in good condition. You feel your muscles ache, all cranked up and fatigued from something you can’t remember on doing. You wash up. You feel you’re getting something, the flu or something close to it. You think it might be just the typical fever. Yet, there’s something very wrong about how you feel. You have no appetite. Your morning is all messed up. As you go to school, you remember you have a clinic. You decide to visit. Inside the clinic, the doctor examines you. When you comment that you feel your throat is sore, she takes a swab of cotton and checks your mouth with it. She analyzes it using hi-tech stuff you don’t even recognize. Then, she makes a series of blood tests. You wait for the verdict. She faces you and announces that you have Infectious Mononucleosis. Infectious Mononucleosis? What the heck is that?

Perhaps, you are wondering how the two scenes are connected. Perhaps, you are even wondering what this “Infectious Mononucleosis” is. Yes, what the heck is it.

Okay. Infectious Mononucleosis, “mono” for short, is an infection caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. One way to catch mono is by kissing someone who has been infected by such a virus, thus, the nickname, “kissing disease.” Other ways of getting the virus would be direct contact with saliva of someone who has been infected by it, such as the sharing of spoons and straws.

Mononucleosis is characterized by constant fatigue, sore throat, high fever, loss of appetite, swollen glands in your neck, headaches, and constantly being tired. These signs may be mistaken for that of the flu or sore throat. Thus, people often treat mono the way they treat flu or sore throat. This would not help, though, because there is no known cure for mononucleosis.

Doctors would advise bed rests, and to take in plenty of fluids to avoid dehydration. It might do well for you to skip sports and other activities to avoid sharing the virus and the symptoms you have would have tired you anyway.
Fortunately, in 3 to 4 weeks time the illness will go away by itself. But, once you have been infected by the virus, it will stay with you for life. Hopefully, you wouldn’t worry about getting the same symptoms all over again once you’ve shown it before.

To prevent this from ever happening to you or to avoid it from spreading if you already have it, you should observe proper hygiene. Don’t share your utensils with others even though sharing it would be romantic or, in a sick way, generous. And if you kiss, make sure to ask your partner if he or she has the Epstein-Barr virus. If you don’t care though, go on right ahead and do your thing.

Forever in this blackened heart, she’s always there...

Can you give me something better to do? Can you help me think of ways to distract me? It seems that every time I become idle, her face creeps into my thoughts, then his face follows, then everything becomes a depressing state of anxiety and bitterness. I could not help myself. I can’t get her out of my head. Always I have experienced fits of depression slowly inching towards my soul. Always I am filled with hatred. Hatred towards the closest things and people I have and know, my family, my friends. Hatred pointed towards the people I do not know. Most of all, hatred that is pointed towards myself, because of the feelings of failure and impotence.

I have died on that December night. The time bomb exploded that night. And all that’s left of me is a hollow something I can’t even cherish, I can’t love and I can’t be proud of. Since then, everything I do does not seem to have the convictions and the will that I have had in the past. I failed in so many things after that night. My education suffered. My relationship with my family suffered. My beliefs and principles suffered. My religion suffered. I suffered terribly not knowing where to go and not knowing what to do.

My pride won’t let me forget. And this same pride won’t let me be. I don’t need these things right now. But I can’t seem to focus on the things that I should do. My priorities are not set. And that just pisses me off. I am forgetting. I am not being what I should be. I know I’m better than this. I know that I can be better than this. But, everything does not seem right. I am pissed off. I can’t seem to over emphasize that fact. If only I have enough distractions but I have none. All I have is this pride that won’t let me be. And I can’t throw it away. I can’t because every inch of it clings into my being.

My pride reasons to my brain and heart. It tries to say that it is helping me. Yet, deep down inside I realize that I am changed. I am not the person I was. It has hardened my soul, and it has blackened my heart. I can’t make jokes anymore. No, let my rephrase that, I can’t laugh at my jokes anymore. When I do laugh at other people’s jokes, it lacks the conviction of a good laughter. It’s just laughter for the sake of people seeing me laugh and that’s just not right. I can’t be in a serious conversation because my mind wanders instantly into other things. I linger too much on memories, and I linger too much on those things that I know would never be. I keep hoping that something would happen. Yet, I know it would not because I have not done anything to trigger anything.

Amidst all these, I realize and know that I am at fault. If only I have become more satisfied with what I have. If only I stayed with my beliefs and principles. If only my love for this girl were that great, great enough to have accepted that we were bound only to friendship. But no, I asked for more. And now, I don’t know what we are. We are neither lovers nor friends. I don’t know what I feel for her now. Is it love or hate? Now, I really don’t know. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to start again.

Yet, one thing is certain. I will always hope for her happiness no matter what. I will not do something to spoil anything for her. I will always cherish the memories and everything else. This would be my act of unselfishness amidst vanity and pride. Like I have always said to her in the past, at least one of us is happy.